Tag Archives: Pregnyl

Willing into existence

Five days till Saturday, when my period is due. Seven days till Monday, when a blood test is due. I’m terrified. Terrified that this hasn’t worked. This is my last chance, and I don’t want to think about a future without a child. But I know I’ll get through that feeling, if I need to.

I went out on Friday night with a bunch of girlfriends for dinner. When I expressed uncertainty, fear, doubt, one of the girls said, keep believing, you’ve got the power of the collective unconscious behind you, willing this to happen for you. So that’s what I’m holding onto. But by now, it’s either implanted, or it hasn’t. So I’m pregnant, or I’m not.

I have no symptoms, not a one, unless you can call a fat gut a symptom. Or is that just a symptom of the complete lack of cardio in my life lately? The Crinone (progesterone) gel, which I have to squirt up my hoo-ha, seems to do nothing – at least when I was on the Pregnyl the last two cycles, I felt something – sore boobs, lethargy – something at least. This time nothing. Nothing to give me hope. Of course, I still have hope. I hope I’m pregnant with twins. Then I really hope I’m not pregnant with twins – just the one will be fine. But then again, twins? Insta-famiglia – just add water (or a sh!t load of very expensive drugs).

I find myself crying when I focus too much on it. I think it’s loneliness really; perhaps this was an attempt at never being lonely again, and if I’ve failed?

Of course, this time of the year is the hardest to deal with this sort of thing. I have no family in Sydney. Most of the time that’s fine (!), and to be honest, I don’t really want to spend this Christmas with my family, because we are all so… alone. We’re all a bit pathetic really – each of us single. My dad is single. My brother is single. My mother has a “gentleman friend” who won’t commit to her. Can you believe that still happens in your 70s??! God help us. This man is following on from a pattern of men my mum has been involved with since she married my dad. Men who think they know it all, and don’t mind telling you. My dad usually spends Christmas with his brother and family. Who I really don’t want to see because my aunt thinks what I am doing is “dangerous”. Don’t need that around me right now, or ever.

My brother is coming up to Sydney for Christmas though. He took a lot of convincing, preferring to spend Christmas alone and lonely. He hates Christmas, and doesn’t cope too well with life in general. I tell him he’s depressed, he says he’s not.  But he is. It makes me so sad that he finds life so hard. Last year at Christmas we had a big fight and I said to him, “sometimes you just need to play the game” (meaning the game we all play to get along with people, to smooth things over, to make life a bit easier). He shouted back, “I don’t know how to play the game. I don’t how to play the game of life.” It’s so awful, to think of him constantly swimming against the tide, constantly feeling that people are rubbing him the wrong way, that life is out to get him, that people are inherently selfish.

I don’t believe they are. I believe people are pretty much good at heart.

Well this was a much more depressing post than I had planned – sorry about that.

On a more positive note, last night we had our office Christmas party. The theme was “tropical” and my boss decided we were going as Gilligan’s Island – with me as Ginger. Except he didn’t tell me till yesterday morning. So yesterday afternoon I raced around to all the vintage stores in Darlinghurst and found a fabulous aqua shift dress with a chiffon floaty thing at the back. I walked in and said to the organiser, “There better be a prize for best dressed, because I went to a lot of trouble.” Anyway, I won, or my team did. See below – I look good!!

“Ginger” with “Maryanne” in the background, and the Opera House. (Any excuse to buy a 60s frock)

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Gotta give up sugar

Otherwise I’ll get gestational diabetes, if indeed I am pregnant. I’ve been having ice-cream EVERY NIGHT for the last week, and Tim Tams EVERY DAY. And quite a few (packets) over the last couple of months, and tubs too.

I don’t know what’s got into me – I love ice cream and who doesn’t love a Tim Tam (oh yes, you Clare). But I usually just don’t buy them because once they are in the house, they must be eaten. Quickly. For those of you poor, poor readers who have never had a Tim Tam, I feel sorry for you, you have had a deprived life. If you want I’ll send you a packet – seriously! Send me your address and I really will. Only those overseas though, my fellow Aussies are well-acquainted with the Tim Tam. I’m eating one now. Make that two.

So anyway, after the rest of the Tim Tams are eaten (won’t be long, and I don’t like waste) I’m going to make a big effort to give up sugar. Apparently it’s the sugar that’s the killer, not fat. I don’t believe in the low-fat hypothesis anyway – I just don’t buy it, and it’s been proven that low fat diets just don’t work (see the Nurses Study). Why else are  so many Western countries experiencing an obesity epidemic?

The health authorities have been banging on for years to lower our intake of fat but people are getting fatter. Are we just not listening, or are we replacing fat with really bad stuff? Like trans-fats which are found in all sorts of processed food (and not the same as naturally occurring fat), and sugar, which is often put into low fat processed foods so it tastes palatable. Here’s a tip – fat makes food taste good!  Low fat fruit yoghurt for instance might contain less fat than its full fat cousin, but can contain one-third sugar. Go figure. Or go read Michael Pollan’s “In Defence of Food” which is a fabulous book, and actually really entertaining.

Or check out Sarah Wilson’s blog – her post today helped me to make up my mind (I’ve been wanting to but willpower is weak!). She also has an ebook about giving up sugar which I must buy. I would sell it on this blog if I knew how! (I’m learning). She says that fat is not the villian in the cholesterol war, but sugar. Cholesterol apparently “circulates in our arteries patching up damage caused … by sugar “. Huh.

Anyway, if I haven’t put you off sugar forever, I will still send you the Tim Tams!

I love to bake though, and hate to deprive myself – I love food too much – and I don’t want to turn into one of those people (you know the ones, the food bores – don’t eat that, it’s bad for you*), so I don’t think sugar will be off the menu forever, just 6 days of the week.

Anyhoo … I just gave myself my last Pregnyl injection, and have a pregnancy test next week. I don’t know though – I don’t think it’s worked. You can throw everything medical science has at something and it still may not work, which … ah… isn’t fair… and just shows you how much medical science really knows about the intricate workings of our bodies, ie not a lot. I feel quite calm – for now – but as always, will keep you posted.

* Um, I think I have been one of those people – I’m sure I’ve said similar things when I see people eat Krispy Kremes, or drink Coke.

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Ice ice babies

The Morse code message my ovaries were sending indicated there were six eggs ready to collect. I was hoping for more – last time there were 11. But six there were. As it turned out, five were good for inseminating, then overnight, four made it through.

So – good news! I have two in the oven and two on ice.

I went to the clinic yesterday and had two embryos transferred back into me, and two are now in the freezer, which is just like a little bit of insurance. And as with all insurance, I won’t need it, as these ones (or one) will stick, stick, stick.

This time, I feel much better following egg collection and am hoping the excruciating pain and general unpleasantness will not revisit me this time. I’m still bunged up mind you, which I think I have worked out is because of the Pregnyl. I had to give myself 10,000 units of Pregnyl a day or two before going to hospital then follow up injections every couple of days for the next week or so – this is the pregnancy hormone and I think encourages the body to keep the embryo.

According to Wikipedia, Pregnyl contains human chorionic gonadotropin and is normally produced during pregnancy and is made by the embryo after conception. I can only guess that a side effect of Pregnyl is this terrible constipation that I experienced, but I can’t find any research to confirm this.

The acupuncturist I saw yesterday said that the constipation (sorry to go on about it!!) could be a good thing, as it is the body’s way of “holding on” to the embryo. Well, it didn’t last time, but let’s hope this time it’s holding on tight.

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