Tag Archives: pregnancy

Deeper into dream*

Picture from liivia on Flickr

I’m lying on my back, looking at my huge, pregnant belly. I feel uncomfortable, awkward, heavy and ungainly as I roll over and try to get up. I know it won’t be long now.

I must have had this dream shortly before I woke up on Monday morning, because I was surprised, in those first few moments of waking, to find I was not pregnant, I was just the same old me.

And here’s the thing – I never dream about real things – things I’ve been obsessing over, big upheavals, new loves, stresses. Nothing that relates to my real life, or my fantasy life. You know when you have those lovely daydreams (at whatever time of the day) and you want to take them to bed with you? They never come to bed with me. Instead, weird, disjointed, seemly unconnected, and really quite random people, events and places appear in my dreams. People pop into my dream life unbidden. Once I dreamed I was having a torrid affair with Ryan Philippe. I’d never seen a Ryan Philippe film, nor ever thought about him, had only occasionally seen his picture alongside Reese Witherspoon (the dream was some years ago – the torrid affair was really vivid!).

So I’m wondering if it’s a sign. Does anyone believe in dreams as signs? I’m not sure; of course I’d love it if it were true, a true sign or augury. I believed it was a sign immediately on waking, but my certainty has faded.

My friend K has assured me it is a sign though, having had an especially vivid dream about George Clooney a few months back. She is the world’s biggest George obsessive stalker  fan. So much so that her daughter believes that George is her mum’s boyfriend. Apparently in the dream she was in the shower and George was in the kitchen making a cup of tea. Raunch!!

Anyway, George is coming to Sydney next week to speak at a summit on collaboration, and of course, K has got her hot little mitts on a ticket. So her dream really was a sign that George would be making an appearance in her life. She’s pretty convinced they really will be “collaborating” over a “cup of tea” soon.

So, anyone have any insights into dreams?

*The title of this post is also the title of Ben Lee‘s latest album. Which I must buy. I love love love his music and outlook on life. We’re all in this together.

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Filed under ART, IVF, pregnant over 40, two week wait

The bitch is back

I really thought I was pregnant.

When my period* didn’t come as scheduled on Thursday, I couldn’t quite believe it. I’ve never been late in my life. Through the day I checked. No sign!

Friday – still no sign! Oh my God, I’m pregnant!

I had a blood test first thing Friday morning.

All through the day my excitement mounted. No sign of bleeding. I won’t believe it till I get the call from the clinic, I thought. But I did believe it. I believed it so much that I bought a dress and a loose flowing cardigan that I thought could take me from now to at least the end of the year and hide any bump. But I was sensible – they are normal clothes that look great now anyway, just in case I was being overly optimistic.

I had a hair appointment, followed by an osteo appointment to try and sort out my still-stuffed digestive system.

I was feeling so happy that I nearly blurted out my news to the hairdresser, who I barely know. I only go there because it’s cheap and I can’t afford my good hairdresser right now.

So when the clinic called, I was confused by the nurse’s tone of voice. I knew it wasn’t good news, but I there was no sign of my period, so – I must be pregnant right?

No. I’m not.

There was a level of hcG in my blood that indicated that the embryos had tried to implant. But they hadn’t. And I guess that level was still there, which was why there was no sign of my period.

What could I do, I was sitting in the hairdresser’s chair with hair colour slapped over my scalp. I couldn’t run to the loo and howl. I just had to sit there, tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t even speak when the hairdresser asked if everything was ok. I wanted to say, “I’ve just had some bad news, that’s all” but I couldn’t even get that out. I had to sit there for another 45 minutes getting my hair washed and blow dried before I could get the fuck out of there.

Thank god I had the osteo appointment afterwards –  Jamie is the loveliest man and a great osteo, and really smart and he’s into yoga and alternative healing, as well as being clever enough to be applying to med school. He gave me a big, big hug and then treated me. Face down on the table and with my eyes closed I really felt like the table was moving back and forth. I had to keep opening my eyes and looking down to the floor to make sure I was stationary. Jamie said I was in shock and after the treatment gave me some Bach remedy for shock and put me in a separate room so I could do what I needed to do.

I really thought it would work. I was so confident and positive. I meditated, visualised. Did yoga and ate well. I felt – or thought I felt – calm about the whole thing. Not stressed or clinging or desperate. I really thought it would work.

And I’m sure this is nothing like what a miscarriage feels like, but I feel a bit that way nonetheless, because really thought it would work, and I really thought I was pregnant.

What next?

Right now I’m really sad and disappointed. I think I’ll try again, I feel I owe it to myself. When I first put this plan in motion I thought I’d give it three goes, but that was when I thought I would get enough embryos to freeze for three goes. I certainly didn’t plan on paying for three attempts. But once is not enough, as they say in the classics (James Bond anyway. I was in a Bond film once – true story). I’ll go and see the doctor sometime this week, and work out what Plan B, Take 2 is.

I went for a swim this morning (at Bronte, that’s the pic), then to yoga. I was reminded  again how powerful yoga is to work emotions out of your body, because if you don’t work them out, they get stuck, and so does your body and so does your mind. Sometimes they get so stuck they make you sick. And I was reminded again that the discipline – of whatever it is – getting up early to go for a swim when I would have rather stayed in bed – makes you do things that ultimately make you feel better than short term pleasures.

PS. I’m also really sad I may not have the chance to choose the same donor again. I was a bit in love with the idea of that donor’s baby. A lot in love.

PPS. My period came yesterday morning. At least it seems to have sorted out my digestive issues. The bitch.

* Note that I just can’t use the abbreviations and euphemisms so common on blogs and forums such as these. It’s not Auntie Flow, or AF, I’ve never called it such a school girl thing in my life (mind you, I’m quite happy to call it “the bitch” on this occasion). And this is not a BFN – big fat negative – I’m just not pregnant. I’m an editor and writer, and as an editor I’m a bit anal about plain English, saying what you mean, not obscuring, spelling things out. Euphemisms give me the shits anyway. Rant over.

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Filed under ART, IVF, sperm donor

Biology is a sexist bastard … maybe

Or should that be evolution? Because who said once you reach a certain age you are too old to have children?

I’m going to put my hand up now and reveal myself as ageist and say that maybe there is an age when you are “too old”. Like 60 for example. But that’s possibly because I am not 60. Yet.

There are constantly stories in the media – in the press, on TV – that warn women not to leave it too late. The age usually cited is over 35. So I’m waaaay old.

They go like this:

You are born with as many eggs as you are ever going to get; ergo, your eggs are as old as you are. Old.

The risk of miscarriage increases with age.

Complications during pregnancy increase with age.

It takes longer for an older woman to get pregnant.

An older woman may not even be able to fall pregnant.

The risk of birth defects increase with age.

And yet…

My friend was told by a fertility doctor that she would not fall pregnant without fertility treatment. She fell pregnant at 40 with the aid of … meditation and visualisation. And has a gorgeous toddler now.

There is a story in this month’s Australian Women’s Weekly about a 50-year-old woman who fell pregnant naturally and gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby.

I just wonder if all the statistics are right? How long have these statistics been collected for? Because I have a little theory cooking that goes something like – for the past 40-odd years, woman have been able to control their fertility, with the use of the pill. So how do we really know whether every woman has trouble having a baby after a certain age, when for most of our reproductive lives (until we decide), we are actively avoiding pregnancy and babies.

We spent our 20s and if we’re still single, a lot of our 30s, trying NOT to get pregnant! And we’ve probably never really been told how in fact to get pregnant.

I’ve read an inspiring quote from Dr Christiane Nortrhrup, the women’s health guru, which says, “A great disservice is done when ‘science’ undermines the confidence of an entire group of women (everyone over 35) concerning their fertility … If you’re worried that you won’t be able to have children because of your age, please know that this may not be the case at all.”

I’m just a little bit in love with her now.

Then there are the people (usually women believe it or not) who think it’s “disgusting” and “wrong” and whole host of other vicious words condemning women for being “selfish” and focusing on their “careers” or simply having fun and didn’t get around to having babies. Well excuse me. Look at some online forums, or comments to articles like this (actually just the first one, most of the rest are supportive),  for horrible proof. Or maybe don’t, because you may be shocked.

Strange that the same accusations and viciousness are never aimed at men, many of whom only come round to the idea of having kids in their late 30s.

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Filed under pregnant over 40

I got a subscriber!

I have readers! Well, reader, singular. Thank you Rachel.

Everyone, please feel free to subscribe. In fact, please subscribe! Knowing I have readers will ensure I am diligent and post. As you can see from the inception of this blog, diligence is not one of my strong points. I plan to post twice a week, so your inbox won’t be crammed with me.

And if I have readers, then maybe this blog will become something else, like a book. Or a film, like Julie and Julia/The Julie/Julia Project. Who knows, though the film bit I’m not really bothered about. Though I wouldn’t say no, who am I kidding!

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