Tag Archives: limbo

Sovary, so good

Bad pun, I know. But, so far, so good.

I feel so remarkably different now to how I felt at the same stage last time. I feel perfectly normal. I have no inkling as to whether I am or I’m not, and thinking too hard just sends you mental. For instance, the acupuncturist I went to see last week, as I mentioned before, said that actually constipation is a good thing, because it means your body is trying to hold on to everything. Except that now I am not constipated, I’m thinking, nooo, my body’s not holding on! And considering how sick I was last time…

See, it does your head in.

Of course, The Fear grips me every now and then, mainly The Fear of it actually succeeding. Why did I want to do this again? It’s so abstract, so not-in-my-experience, so is-my-life-so-bad-as-it-is that sometimes I think – wait, what am I doing?

This feeling is combined with the please work, please stick, what if it hasn’t and I’m already not pregnant (instead of just being not pregnant in 10 days time if it’s negative, because if it hasn’t stuck by now, it’s never going to). And the anticipation of the next phase of my life, which I really, really want to include a child.

And again that feeling of limbo – what IS the next phase of my life? I’m trying to make plans here baby! Make your presence felt!

And how do I keep this blog going?! Anything my millions of readers want to hear about?? My specialty subjects are yoga, meditation, the dearth of good, available men in Sydney (that’s probably not really a specialty is it), wellbeing, IVF, health. I’m hoping I’ll be writing about pregnancy and motherhood, but in the meantime, it’s pick-a-topic-out-of-the-hat time.

While I’m here – does anyone know anything about dying your hair while pregnant? I did a bit of research and it seems it’s a bit of an old wives’ tale. You see, I’ve been going grey bit by bit since I was 19, so now it’s getting really ugly and I simply can’t not dye my hair for 9 months! I bought some dye the other day from the health food shop – all natural ingredients. Disaster. I now have bright red roots, orange at the temples, and with bits I missed, because I’ve got a lot of hair. I was considering wearing a hat to work today, which would have been fine if it was the 1950s, but it’s not.

And having said that, I’m off to wash my hair. Vigorously.

Advertisements

6 Comments

Filed under ART, IVF, two week wait

Limbo … part the second

Life. On. Hold. That’s what this feels like.

As I said before, this time around, the breathless excitement has gone and now I’m (kind of) just getting on with life. Like, on Saturday night I had a whole bottle of wine out at dinner. Actually a bit more because the owner gave us a complementary glass of dessert wine at the end. So delicious. A whole bottle though! It doesn’t take long to re-establish old habits. I felt a wee bit guilty the next day but my body didn’t seem to protest too much – it hasn’t forgotten how to metabolise that much booze! And it was nice to have that month “off” in between not getting pregnant and starting again.

But still, limbo. I want to move. But I can’t think about that yet as all my financial and mental and physical resources are tied up in this effort. I want to buy a new car. Ditto. I need some new work clothes, but will there be any point in buying size 10s, when I might need expanda-clothes?

And now I’m waiting for my period to start. It’s late. Bloody hormones.

W-A-I-T-I-N-G.

I started Lucrin again a week ago, going back to the clinic for a blood test and scan on Wednesday. Having acupuncture twice a week at a specialised acupuncture for IVF clinic. More money. And waiting.

Think I need to meditate.

2 Comments

Filed under IVF

How low can you go …

… before you do the LIMBO rock?

This week I’ve vacillated between:

Oh my god, I’m so excited I’m going to have a baby … to

I’m pretty sure I am … to

I really hope I am… to

FUCK I hope I’m not … to

What the hell was I thinking, I’m 46 years old (birthday was on Sunday, thanks for the birthday wishes…) and I’m going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE and will never have any free time again and I’ll never be able to afford to buy a property and I’ll be the oldest mother on the school pick up and how am I going to do this by myself and, and, and…

So this week can’t go fast enough.

I need to know! I’m in limbo and it’s a weird place to be – all plans for the future – even as close as the weekend – have two paths that stretch out into the misty distance. One that involves a baby, one that involves going back to my “old” life. And to be honest, both have their appeal.

Perhaps that sounds strange – after all, I have thought a lot about this, hoped and dreamed about this, planned this, paid a lot to get here. But I think it’s normal – any kind of life change brings fear, and there is no greater life change than having a baby, whatever your situation. You can’t really get your head around the reality of it – the abstract is fine, but the reality? It’s scary.

And there’s no point in reading all the “two-week wait” sites, working out which symptoms I may or may not be feeling – I AM feeling some pregnancy symptoms but that’s because I am injecting myself with hcG – the pregnancy hormone. So I’m just left with the wait.

Oh and I’m beginning to feel almost healthy again after the trauma of the past 2 weeks. Yesterday I even had wine. Three glasses! Well, the thing is, no less than four girlfriends have confided that before they knew they were pregnant they had had a couple of benders – completely mullered. And as one of their doctors said, if it’s going to stick, it’s going to stick. And I figure by now, it’s either stuck or it hasn’t.

What day is it?

Every limbo boy and girl, all around the limbo world…

Yoga, I think, is the order of the day. At least I’ll be flexible enough to get under that limbo pole, no matter how low it goes. And meditation, to let go of attachment to the outcome.

2 Comments

Filed under IVF, pregnant over 40, two week wait