Tag Archives: emotional trauma

Baby, baby… how I got here

I thought it would happen. Like it happens for pretty much everyone on the planet. Sometimes not too successfully I realise, but still, by the amount of people in the world hooked up, married, partnered, or in any way together, just by sheer weight of numbers, it seems like an easy, natural … thing. People meet. They like each other, a lot. Hey, they may even be soul mates, or at the very least fall in love. Then that progresses, usually, into babies.

So I didn’t plan. I know some women plan, but I’m not a planner – though that is changing! Surely most people just meet someone, without a whole bunch of “goalsetting”, which sounds too life-coach-y. I didn’t plan, and I didn’t meet anyone either. .

Of course I’ve had my fair share of relationships, but to be honest they have usually been pretty short. I’ve tried internet dating, singles nights, bars, pubs, clubs. Work flings (bad idea). Holiday snogs (great idea!). One night stands (usually bad idea), and as previously mentioned, falling in love with someone who was otherwise engaged.

Over the years there have been some great guys, and some pretty ordinary ones. But the timing wasn’t right, or we didn’t click, or whatever and nothing really stuck. I have a range of “issues”, but don’t we all? I try not to make those issues into excuses and I don’t want to blame anyone else, because everyone has things they have to deal with, whether it’s absentee parents (me), childhood trauma (not me, unless you count emotional trauma – oh, ok, we will count that), abuse (thankfully, not me) and other things that happen.

When my 30s started to run out, I continued to think, oh, it’s all right, I’ll meet him. I’ll have kids. But I didn’t. And so here I am.

Then about three years ago, I started to think I could do it by myself, because before that I didn’t want to do it by myself. My very good friend has a child using a sperm donor, so I know the reality of it and it’s fantastic. She has a beautiful girl and they have such an amazing relationship. She is such an amazing mother. But I had thought – not for me. So when I started to think I could in fact do it, I finally started making plans.

Then the GFC (or GFFC as I like to call it) hit and I was made redundant. Pretty hard to pay for a baby when you are unemployed. Long story short, I wasn’t unemployed for long, just kind of temporarily employed, which was very unsecure. And now finally, after nearly three years, I have a job  which is secure, and pays pretty well. Of course, a couple of years had gone by, so I was a couple of years older, but I thought I should investigate.

I’ll go into more detail about that later. But here’s a teaser to keep you coming back! I went to the “best fertility doctor in Sydney” who basically told me there was no sperm, I was kinda, almost too old, and having “failed to establish a meaningful relationship” there might be something wrong with me, and that maybe my strategy should be to “look up those old uni friends”. I kid you not.

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