Busy, busy few days. And this IComLeavWe week-y thing-y has begun and I apologise that I am behind the eight-ball ALREADY and it’s only day 2! So I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. (For those of you who are non-bloggers… well just ignore that, but feel free to comment all you like on any and all posts. The comment button appears at the end of the post.)

I haven’t actually has too much time to dwell on the lack of success of last cycle, which is either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. At times, I’ve thought, oh great, I feel fine, but then in a quiet moment, start to think about what happens if complete failure in my mission happens. And then I realise I’m not fine. At all.

I do think that it’s best – healthiest – not to ignore or push away your feelings, but god sometimes it feels good to. I mean, who wants to sit at home doubled over sobbing, hmmm? Still, last week was a shite week, mostly because of the not being pregnant, but also because of a few other things, which I haven’t had time to blog about about, but will try to sum up quickly now.

Firstly, I was really stupid around the time of donor selection last cycle. I was so excited to see the same donor I used the first cycle on the list the clinic gave me that I quickly logged onto the sperm bank in the US and purchased a few photos – one baby and one adult photo. Then the clinic called to remind me I hadn’t actually selected a donor and I should do so now. But my donor in fact was not still available (in Australia the law states that one donor can only father five children, so five people must have had positives in the previous month or so. They may not progress to live births but until they know one way or the other, he is off the list). So not only was I hugely disappointed, I had paid $50 for photos of a complete stranger.

Then I had to choose another donor. I wasn’t quite as taken with him as the first, but still, good profile, nice photos of him as a child and a lovely smile in the adult photo. And he has a big nose. I like men with big noses. Go figure.  Good profile too – seemed kind and thoughtful. So I bought more photos.

Anyway, last week, both sets of photos turned up in the post. Photos of complete strangers, one of whom may or may not be the father of my future baby.

Then at work last week a colleague confided that her marriage may be falling apart and she was thinking of divorce. You know – all looks perfect from the outside – successful career (both of them), lots of money, a couple of gorgeous kids, the house, the cars, the clothes – all seemingly hunky dory. I was really sad for her. Then she said, “I look at your life and I’m so envious”. That just about killed me. I thought, god you have no idea. I kept it together till she had left the room because it wasn’t about me, it was about her, and then (luckily everyone else was out at a meeting) I cried. Because my life is so great, doing everything – EVERYTHING – by myself.

However… no time to think. I’ve been looking for a new car. Can’t afford one, really, though the bank has very kindly offered to loan me the money. My current 20-year old, un-airconditioned, 2-door car just will not be suitable if it has to transport a baby around. So on Saturday I requisitioned an ex-boyfriend to help me find a new one. What a mission.

Saturday was 30 degrees (Celcius). Remember – 20-year old, un-airconditioned, 2-door car. Whose window winders (not electric!) has literally just broken. One window was stuck down about 3 cm, the other all the way up. Driving up and down Parramatta Road (aka hell) in a 20-year old, un-airconditioned, 2-door car on a 30 degree day, with the windows up. Awesome fun.

Long story short, we didn’t find anything on Saturday, but I found a fantastic car on Sunday, within my budget and only 3 years old! A bargain and I pick it up tomorrow.

But today I had to drive back to the fertility clinic to pick up prescriptions for this FET cycle. I don’t know why they are not included in the cost of the cycle but they’re not. And today was not 30 degrees, today was, I don’t know, 22 degrees? And pissing down with rain. Cats and dogs. And the window is stuck down 3 cm. Two and a half hours there and back with a stop at the pharmacy and by the time I get home I’m soaked down one side. That car can’t go soon enough.

And yesterday I spent all day in a lecture theatre learning all about social networking for work. They talked about blogging. I love it when work pays for things you want to do yourself.

So a week of good and bad things. But I think it’s all coming together. New car that’s fit for a baby, photos of the donor sitting on my bedside table, and hope in the air.

Better go and leave some comments.

I’m no. 110 on the IComLeavWe list apparently (if that matters).



Filed under ART, IVF, single mom by choice, sperm donor

8 responses to “Phew!

  1. Hi, I’m here from the ICLW list. I’m glad to find your blog!

    It sounds like you had a truly rotten week. But I’m glad you found a car — 30 degrees is rough with no air conditioning. Strangely enough, it’s about 30 degrees (Fahrenheit) here right now.

  2. nh

    Happy ICLW! I hope you enjoy your new car.

  3. Sarah

    Happy ICLW!!

    Congrats on the new car!!! Enjoy!!!

    ICLW #68

  4. Visting from ICLW! Can’t wait for you to get that car too! Good luck with this next cycle too! x

  5. ICLW 108

    If anybody needs a hug, it’s you, honey. It’s no fun doing things on your own, I know. I hope you have at least one friend that you can talk to about all that you are going through. Make sure you get that car thoroughly checked out. You don’t need any lemons in your life.

  6. Congrats on the new car and picking a sperm donor! Just dropping by from the ICLW. We didn’t use a sperm donor but we did use and egg donor to conceive. Wishing you the best in your up coming cycle!!

    Happy ICLW #16

  7. “Then she said, ‘I look at your life and I’m so envious.'”

    I get this all the time from friends and family members who have children. They look at our life, full of fun items, lush vacations, good wine and dinner parties, and wish for their child-free days. All I can do is take these comments as reminders that even without a kid, life is still pretty good. Hard as it is to remember, maybe comments like the one from your coworker is the universes way of helping you keep things in perspective and soften the blow of cycles failed?

    Also, many congrats on the new car! I drove a Geo Metro for years that had crank windows that would not go all the way up. I sealed them with duct tape. In the summers I would have to take the tape off to roll them down and air out my terribly sweaty armpits. The good old days 🙂

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