Blood test today. I have not been feeling positive but I’m not sure if I was just trying not to get my hopes up, or what. No period yesterday, when it was due, or today. Maybe I am? No I’m not, I kept telling myself. But I might be. Maybe I am?
My feelings over the last week have been hard to describe. A feeling of being in suspension is the closest I can come. Not excited, not unexcited. Expectant, hopeful, not holding out much hope, feeling negative, feeling quietly positive. Fuck. Not even a rollercoaster of emotions, just… waiting.
I wait no longer. No positive, just a negative. The nurse, when she first called, said she thought the level of HcG in my blood indicated that the embryo had tried to implant. Which was a negative, but ever so slightly positive. In that I thought, well, it tried, so that’s good. Right?
Then she called back and said the doctor said no, she didn’t think there was any attempted implantation. So it’s just negative.
To be honest, I really thought, felt, that implantation had started, despite all my other feelings.
The good news is I can start on the frozen cycle straight away. Last chance. The bad news is a frozen cycle’s meds are not covered by Medicare. Why the hell not? Makes no sense, no sense at all.
I’m sick of waiting, sick of spending money. But it’s not about the money. Still, money is a factor. The constant shelling out, when you’re thinking, well I need to save my money, because I’ll need to bring up a kid. Need to set myself up.
This is awful.