Not trying hard enough

Blood test today. I have not been feeling positive but I’m not sure if I was just trying not to get my hopes up, or what. No period yesterday, when it was due, or today. Maybe I am? No I’m not, I kept telling myself. But I might be. Maybe I am?

My feelings over the last week have been hard to describe. A feeling of being in suspension is the closest I can come. Not excited, not unexcited. Expectant, hopeful, not holding out much hope, feeling negative, feeling quietly positive. Fuck. Not even a rollercoaster of emotions, just… waiting.

I wait no longer. No positive, just a negative. The nurse, when she first called, said she thought the level of HcG in my blood indicated that the embryo had tried to implant. Which was a negative, but ever so slightly positive. In that I thought, well, it tried, so that’s good. Right?

Then she called back and said the doctor said no, she didn’t think there was any attempted implantation. So it’s just negative.

To be honest, I really thought, felt, that implantation had started, despite all my other feelings.

The good news is I can start on the frozen cycle straight away. Last chance. The bad news is a frozen cycle’s meds are not covered by Medicare. Why the hell not? Makes no sense, no sense at all.

I’m sick of waiting, sick of spending money. But it’s not about the money. Still, money is a factor. The constant shelling out, when you’re thinking, well I need to save my money, because I’ll need to bring up a kid. Need to set myself up.

This is awful.

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5 Comments

Filed under ART, IVF

5 responses to “Not trying hard enough

  1. Hi Yoginime, Its refreshing to read something so honest! I wish you success with the IVF, hope it works out for you. I also do yoga well used to do Bikram yoga, the lovely part is you can even do yoga when your pregnant! Goodluck.

  2. Janene

    sorry to hear the bad news…my thoughts are with you…but at least you are trying and thats all you can do. Good luck with the frozen embryos, you never know your luck in the big city!! Janene

  3. Anna

    Ahhh, sorry to hear it Michelle – I totally know that rollercoaster ride… And it’s so hard to know what decision to make now. Thinking of you – hugs x

  4. That’s crap news chica, really sorry to hear that.

    Best of luck with the next round, hopefully it’s third time lucky. Don’t drive yourself mental reading everything on the internet though, just listen to the doctors and if necessary take some time off ‘sick leave’ if you need to put your feet up for a few days while it’s trying to stick.

    Fingers crossed for you x

  5. Thanks everyone. Feeling shite. Have also just found out the next round costs nearly $3000, which makes me cry as well.

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