How low can you go …

… before you do the LIMBO rock?

This week I’ve vacillated between:

Oh my god, I’m so excited I’m going to have a baby … to

I’m pretty sure I am … to

I really hope I am… to

FUCK I hope I’m not … to

What the hell was I thinking, I’m 46 years old (birthday was on Sunday, thanks for the birthday wishes…) and I’m going to have to work for the REST OF MY LIFE and will never have any free time again and I’ll never be able to afford to buy a property and I’ll be the oldest mother on the school pick up and how am I going to do this by myself and, and, and…

So this week can’t go fast enough.

I need to know! I’m in limbo and it’s a weird place to be – all plans for the future – even as close as the weekend – have two paths that stretch out into the misty distance. One that involves a baby, one that involves going back to my “old” life. And to be honest, both have their appeal.

Perhaps that sounds strange – after all, I have thought a lot about this, hoped and dreamed about this, planned this, paid a lot to get here. But I think it’s normal – any kind of life change brings fear, and there is no greater life change than having a baby, whatever your situation. You can’t really get your head around the reality of it – the abstract is fine, but the reality? It’s scary.

And there’s no point in reading all the “two-week wait” sites, working out which symptoms I may or may not be feeling – I AM feeling some pregnancy symptoms but that’s because I am injecting myself with hcG – the pregnancy hormone. So I’m just left with the wait.

Oh and I’m beginning to feel almost healthy again after the trauma of the past 2 weeks. Yesterday I even had wine. Three glasses! Well, the thing is, no less than four girlfriends have confided that before they knew they were pregnant they had had a couple of benders – completely mullered. And as one of their doctors said, if it’s going to stick, it’s going to stick. And I figure by now, it’s either stuck or it hasn’t.

What day is it?

Every limbo boy and girl, all around the limbo world…

Yoga, I think, is the order of the day. At least I’ll be flexible enough to get under that limbo pole, no matter how low it goes. And meditation, to let go of attachment to the outcome.

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2 Comments

Filed under IVF, pregnant over 40, two week wait

2 responses to “How low can you go …

  1. It’s excruciating isn’t it? My life went into a crazy kind of ground hog day slow-mo while I was waiting to test. And even though I wasn’t pregnant, I had loads of symptoms, some in my head (tiredness, food tasting strange) but some definitely in my body (ovarian twinges, implantation temperature dip).

    When can you test? Does it feel like forever away? Now I’m not pregnant, those Friday afternoons come around a lot faster I can tell you : )

    Don’t worry about the wine, if it helps you relax and not be stressed it’s doing more good than harm at this stage. You need to be nice and relaxed so don’t fret.

    I’ve written to my doctor in London to enquire about my eligibility for IVF on the NHS after reading your story. While I’m not a fan of medical procedures, and always cry after a smear (god knows why??) I figure that’s the best chance I’ve got. And if it’s a no, after all they are cutting back on funding everywhere at the moment, then I’ll just go back to insemination, but I might try IUI instead of ICI.

    Best of luck chica, dying to hear how you get on.

    xx

  2. Hi tara,

    well, I have a pregnany blood test scheduled for Friday, but my period is due tomorrow (Thursday), so I won’t have to wait too much longer. But I’m starting to feel sick in anticipation! One good thing about actually being sick last week (even though it was awful!) was that I didn’t have the energy to put into guessing and second-guessing.

    Not long now…

    Yes, maybe you should try the IUI – that’s what my friend did at 38 and it worked a charm (it was third time lucky). I have to say, the IVF has been weird – I know it sounded like a breeze – and it kind of was – but looking back (and it’s only been 5 weeks since that first injection) it did take over my life and while it was exciting, I didn’t feel fantastic. Not horrible, just not jumping out of my skin. I’m pretty sure if this doesn’t work out I’ll have to think long and hard about another go. Physically and emotionally I feel wrung out – but subtly if that makes sense. God I don;t know how people go through round after round. Ugh.

    will kep you posted as always!

    mx

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